The Journey Blog

This blog is complete and serves as a time capsule for what I went through during the doctoral project.  Peace.

5/12/05  My wife and I really like watching Lost. It's one of the most interesting shows on tv. Why is it that when it comes to entertainment I love mystery, but when it comes to real life I want all the answers. In real life God has to answer immediately when I ask Him a question. Not only do the events of history have to be clearly explained but the future needs to be clear and easy. Why can't God make life simple and easy instead of the feeling that we get sometimes that this Earth is like the island in Lost...full of conflict, struggles, secrets and nefarious agendas? But if He did that then I wouldn't have to trust Him. If He did then somehow I may begin to love this world and this life more than His Kingdom to come.

5/9/05  Another semester has ended. It's always a bittersweet moment. I'm happy for the end of a semester so that I can focus on getting some things done that need my attention, but on the other hand I realize that my daily contact with the people I care about is gone. In some cases, I won't see people again until the Fall semester while others have graduated and I won't see them unless I go speak at their youth group or we e-mail. It's like being a youth pastor all over again. You pour into them for the purpose of seeing them leave. It's a vicious cycle. I was reminded of that Friday night after graduation when I saw a group of former students. These were people with whom I've shared great memories and experiences--and they're out being adults--there was even a baby in their midst! I wanted to go back to be with them again on this campus--but that would defeat the whole purpose of what I'm doing here. Relationship without dependency. So to everyone I saw Friday night--I love you guys and still think of you often. In the words of one of my favorite artists Mike Roe, "Go with God, but go."

4/26/05  Friday night is the night. Some people have dreamed of bungee jumping. Others long for the thrill of jumping out of an airplane or deep sea diving. My dream??? I've always wanted to do stand-up comedy. Laughter has always been part of who I was. I watched David Letterman (my generation's Steve Allen, Jack Paar or Johnny Carson) back when he had a daytime talk show. It's funny how comedians shaped my preaching style. The delivery has always been they style of Letterman more than Billy Graham. So Friday night I am doing stand-up comedy for the first time. The hardest part is wondering if anyone will laugh 'cause you don't know if you are really funny or if people just like you. Could that joke work on Carson or only in my classroom? Are they laughing because it's funny or because I can fail them? This ranks among the top five scariest things I've ever done...and that's a good thing. Something's wrong if all of the scary things you've done in life happen before age 30. I'm middle-aged now, 36, 'cause I figure 36 is half of 72--a good age to pass away. I want to live a life that is unafraid of taking a chance. Of perhaps laughing at the wrong things instead of never laughing. Of dancing when the church is telling me to stand still. Of reaching out when others whisper "don't touch." So--wish me luck 'cause saying a prayer about stand-up comedy somehow seems odd.

4/19/05 

It's that time of the semester when everything is coming due. I so need the peace of God right now. So the other day I said something that offended some people. Unfortunately I don't know who I offended because they wouldn't come to me. Sometimes I wonder where I fit. I love the freedom of youth ministry. Students are so raw and hold nothing back. They don't think twice about what they are saying-so there's an authenticity to what they are saying. That doesn't mean that what's being said is always right, but even after just 36 years on this planet I've realized that I don't have all of the answers. Sometimes the trick is figuring out what answers people want. I love my Sunday School students because they don't care about my position or training. They just know that I'm going to listen to the beauty and stains of their being. I care about them-not getting the right answers from them. I want them to speak freely and know that I'm going to hear them out. Maybe that's not happening in other arenas of their lives. That's my rant--and yet part of me wonders who is reading this and where it will go. How crazy is that?

4/7/05  Patience is the first thing to go for me. I'm discovering that the more that is coming at me the less patient I become. I've overextended myself again, so I'm much more impatient. Part of it is that I think of everything that must be done and so I lose the grace of being in the moment. The ADD doesn't help any either. "Again" can be such a negative word. In terms of failure it is a convicting word. To say that I've failed AGAIN holds such soul destroying weight. It's like the word just echoes in my mind. But AGAIN can be a word of hope. Once again, if I confess my sin then Christ is once again willing to forgive and cleanse. Again, I admit my failure. Again, I receive His grace. This is the hope buried in the mire of sin, that for every failure there is an incredible forgiveness awaiting.

4/1/05  I keep looking for rest and Jesus keeps saying,"Come. Come and I'll give you rest." Why do I think what I'll get is grief first? Or maybe a good chewing out by Jesus before He'll let me rest.

3/27/05 I rented "Shall We Dance?" last night for Tiffani and I. We didn't see each other most of the day because I was out speaking in Tyler, TX and the van got a flat that needed to be fixed. Sigh...life. I joked with Tiffani that there was probably this group of avid ballroom dancers that were watching the film and just ripping it to pieces. "Look at J-Lo's posture. A 'real' dancer would never do that. Look at Richard Gere's elbow. Look at his feet. What a lousy dancer!" So as I watched this movie I thought of the dance that God is inviting us to. Gere is dissatisfied with life. He decides to take dance classes, but he makes the choice to hide his new life and friends from his spouse. He becomes quite proficient at the dance and the double life it has caused him to lead. But his wife becomes suspicious of his frequent absences and hires a detective to track down the whereabouts of her husband. When he is confronted by his wife regarding his new life, she is livid. The movie ends--SPOILER ALERT!!!--when the husband invites his wife to be part of the dance, to be his complete partner and to meet his new friends. I thought of the church and conversion. Am I dancing with Jesus but hiding it from friends, neighbors and my community? Do they notice something different about me? One character in the film remarked, "I can tell you've been dancing. You're much more confident." Wow. Can people tell I've been in the presence of God? My dancing may not be that pretty and I may not be that proficient, but I'm out on the floor stepping on Jesus' toes and He's loving every move so long as I'm letting Him lead.

3/22/05 I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything that has to take place in the month of April. A lot of projects to grade, a bunch of ministry opportunities, special occasions. It looks like April is going to be the most intense and busy month so far. I pray that I will continue to hear the voice of the Spirit as the schedule gets busier and the responsibilities come. Amen. Let it be.

3/11/05  As the semester goes on it becomes more difficult to consistently practice each area of the disciplines. But what has happened is the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm glimpsing what the Spirit-filled life can be. I think people who make these bold statements about what God will or must do can be so discouraging. It seems to be about what God is going to do for the individual. I'm finding that the glimpse into the other side has more to do with being with Him than being busy for Him.

3/4/05  I'm back on track here. Yesterday was an emotionally rough day, but the peace and presence of God was with our family during a difficult time. It's amazing how Christ can make His presence known when we are attentive to Him. It's not like he's taking away the painful situation, but He's reminding me that it's not the final word. It's not my identity.

3/1/03  It seems like satan attacks at the most inopportune times. But in a Screwtape letterish kind of way I guess it would be an opportune time. How does he know when I am most vulnerable? The weekend was full of highs and lows. I met some really nice people and got to see some friends. Funny how we all live in Dallas but have to go to Chicago to see each other. My mind was so bothered, busy and preoccupied that I couldn't meditate. I think I really wanted silence and solitude but because of scheduling with speaking and travel I was never able to find a time to settle my mind and reflect on the day's events and the week's Scripture verse. It was like having some muscle pain and not being able to get to the medicine cabinet. You knew what could calm the ache, but you couldn't get to it. Prior to this semester I think I was a functioning workaholic. But through the disciplines I've become more dependent on what really brings rest to my soul...the presence of God. Whether that be through His Word or His Spirit, the disciplines are helping me to realize His kingdom in me. My spirit is awakening to the medicine of His presence.

2/23/02  Today we did a guided meditation experience in class. I was pretty apprehensive about it. To be honest, isn't that how it always goes when you go out on a limb with the Spirit? You can't guarantee that the Spirit will be present. The whole experience was awesome. The presence of God was there. It was such a calming experience. At first I was disappointed because I though that the whole experience had lasted only half an hour or less, but when I asked the group what time it was I was surprised to learn that we had been meditating for over 50 minutes. It was so relaxing being in the presence of God for an hour.

2/22/05  I was out tonight walking and meditating on this week's Scripture which I'm memorizing. It said, "I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds." As I was walking I could see in my imagination these beautiful snow-capped mountains, expansive lakes reflecting the moonlight, and tall trees towering above the ground. None of it existed where I was walking, but there it was in my imagination. I walked in amazement at all that God has made for His pleasure and for the pleasure of His creation. My mind was helping me to worship the Creator. It was a good night.

2/19/05  My meditation time has been really good. I couple it with silence and solitude. Walking around my neighborhood at night has worked best for me. It's semi-dark and the weather has been cool without being unbearable. Tonight as I walked around I kept thinking about how His word should be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path, but it isn't always that way. Too often I'm dependent on other people's word to light my path and to guide me. The Spirit is really asking me to give up my dependence on other people's words. I'm moved by words of affirmation. It's a major way in which I receive love, but I should be hungry for His words. I should be looking for His path lit by His words.

2/17/2005  This semester has not been as stressful as every other semester that I've taught. In one way that doesn't make sense. It's supposed to be the BIG ONE!!! So maybe it's just that because I'm practicing the disciplines and have entered into a community with my students that I'm just better equipped to handle this stuff. I totally see myself not getting stressed about the little things like I used to. I think God may be dealing with me about some post-doctoral stuff. I'm trying to figure out if I'm supposed to go YP PT. I mentioned it to Tiff for her to just pray about it. I think that's what couples should do. Plant the seed and see if it's a weed or a fruit tree.

2/9/2005  I thought that spending 15 minutes in silence and solitude would be easy. C'mon...how hard is it to just get away for 15 minutes and do nothing and just be quiet? It's almost like when I first started dating Tiffani. We couldn't just BE together. We had to do something. Watch a movie, go to a play, go to a concert. We needed something outside of the relationship to distract from the discomfort of having each other be the complete focus. God's really pointing out to me that I'm more comfortable doing His work than being His friend and child. Hopefully the more I practice silence and solitude the more at ease doing nothing and asking for nothing in His presence I will become.

2/7/2005  Okay--the Eagles lost. Not the end of the world. It's funny because I like the Eagles, primarily because I like everything from Philadelphia. This year we watched the football game at Coach Vennard's home with friends like Cameron Bishop and Benji Allen. The reality of friends was so much more interesting than a football game or even a humorous or sensuous commercial. God's helping me to enjoy the moments I have with people. College was the height of relationships for me. It was the time when I hung out with the most people. Partly because college was a forced community. Now that I'm married I'm wanting to have honest open relationships, but there's still the fear of, "What if they find out who I really am?" My pastor frequently says that the greatest need of man is to be fully known and fully loved. I agree. My wife fully knows me and fully loves me. How hard is this? Trying to be dad, son, prof, pastor, student, teacher, neighbor and every other hat hung by my door and still trying to find some meaningful relationships?

2/2/2005  What a great chapel today. During worship I was just trying to hear God. It seemed like I was trying so hard just to hear Him speak. Have you ever done something and you're just thinking--it shouldn't be this difficult! My mind kept going back to the music being played or the words being sung. I just thought-can we stop so I can hear God speak? How often do we use music to mask the voice of the Holy Spirit? I'm still messing with that thought. What is Pentecostal worship.

2/1/2005  So this is what God's teaching me. Over the weekend I drove to San Antonio GLAD Youth Worker's Conference. It was a fantastic weekend of ministry. So it took me about 4 1/2 hours to drive to S.A., but on the way back it took 7 1/2 hours. TX DOT closed I-35 North & South so they could install a bridge overpass. That meant that all 3 lanes in both directions were diverted onto the access road. Semi-trucks galore along with the typical Saturday traffic. When all was said and done it took me 3 hours to drive approximately 7 miles. Yes---3 hours. Did I mention that I drive a stick shift? My back was hurting, my foot asleep, and my knee was aching from pushing the clutch and brake. I was getting so stressed and decided I would just meditate and pray in the middle of all of the chaos. The Scripture the Spirit brought to my mind was from Matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" I began to think, "How is my stress and anger about this traffic making it move more quickly? How is my anger and stress glorifying God? It wasn't. In fact it was glorifying Satan and self. The traffic stressed me out because it was not in MY plan and not to MY liking. Someone forgot to inform the world that it revolves around ME! I began to think about why TX DOT had picked Saturday afternoon. This caused me to meditate and think about the workers and people who coordinate these efforts and how difficult their job must be. They will never please everyone because self is never satisfied. So...God taught me a lesson about selfishness through the longest traffic delay I've ever experienced in my life. Though I don't want to experience that kind of delay again I know what I can take away from it. If I don't learn my lesson about selfish anxiety then perhaps Jesus will see fit to have another delay come my way.

1/27/2005  I'm finding that my response to stress is much better. There's a feeling like the universe is not going to fold in on itself if something does not get done or get done to such a level of perfection that I would be put to shame. People talk so much about vision and I wonder if in some ways they never stop to enjoy the process which God is leading them through. You can get so caught up with the future that you totally miss the present and His presence there. The cool thing about God's "omni's" is the eternalness of it all. Why am I worrying about the future when He's already there? Is He going to be any less God once I arrive at that time? If He's already there and He sees the tragedy that's coming will He not try to prepare me to face that tragedy or crisis. Wow--this is so much about trust

1/25/2005  It's been surprising how long it's taking to write this curriculum. Is it hard to write or is my obsessive compulsiveness coming through? I just feel like I'm going to hand over the document to the printer and feel like it could have been just a little better. So is this what God's trying to teach me with this project? Can I ever really do enough or reach a level of perceived perfection on my own? Can imperfection be part of His plan to give me some rest for my soul?

1/24/2005  Received a Release Form from America's Funniest Home Videos.  I sent in the chapel video of Logan telling me he had to go pee-pee.  The letter says that they are implying that they want to use it, but...why would they send a form if they didn't?  Well, I'll sign it and get the other signature I need and we'll see what happens!  That was a nice gift for when I got home from speaking in Tulsa, OK.  I saw Richard Crisco yesterday.  Good to see him.  I guess I'm still amazed that he even remembers me.  I was just a kid from Southeastern College doing an internship back in 1989. And finally...how 'bout them Eagles?

1/22/2005  I've got such high expectations for this experience.  It's more than a doctoral project.  It's almost like getting the doctorate will be the icing on the cake.  The cake is going to be growing with my students.  Something incredible could happen this semester.  Perhaps the reason many of us never really experience the presence of God is because we're so distracted by everything else.  We just don't give thought to the intangible.  God's all around us and yet we've got to purposefully turn our spirit and mind toward Him.

1/20/2005  I'm learning so much about myself through this whole process.  You would think that practicing spiritual disciplines would teach you so much about God, but it seems to be a bit opposite for me, at least at first.  I mean, isn't the reason that you do the disciplines to learn about and from God?  So...I'm finding that my enjoyment of public worship services is proportionate to my time alone with God.

1/18/2005  I'll admit that I haven't fasted in years.  Not sure why...okay, I know exactly why.  Sacrificing my time isn't as hard as sacrificing a meal...which unfortunately tells you a lot about my own personal struggles and weaknesses.  I guess that's what the Spiritual Disciplines are supposed to do, expose the fraud in our lives.  So my fraud is my appetite and stomach.  We had a family crisis over Christmas and I felt I should fast.  I had all of these books at home about spiritual disciplines and each talked about the power of fasting.  I read and practiced.  It was powerful.  The first day I went to God and just told Him everything I needed.  But the more I listened He told me everything that I needed.  Fasting is not a form of extortion to get what we want from God.  It's to get what He wants from us.  I read one quote by Abba John the Dwarf (his real moniker) that said if a king wants to take a city he first cuts off their food supply, then they will submit to his will.  Incredible.

12/8/2005  My life has been so undisciplined. That's the sad truth. I've so wanted to get some things under control, but my life always seems to be messy no matter how hard I try to manage it. As I came to the completion of my doctorate I had to come up with a project. Dr. Judy Stamey and I began to talk one day at lunch and she helped me to think through the project. I began to think back about the issue that excite me and create longing in my heart. I kept coming back to the spiritual disciplines and some of the Postmodern practices emerging in the church. Some readings that have influenced me are Richard Foster's "Celebration of Discipline" and "Freedom of Simplicity", Mike Yaconelli's "Messy Spirituality", and John Eldridge & Brent Curtis' "The Sacred Romance." Somewhere out there is a faith that is bigger than denominations and religion. A pure faith that doesn't make me feel like an outsider because I don't conform to their likeness. I want to be like Christ. I want a 24/7 awareness of His Spirit. Southeastern College doing an internship back in 1989.